He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
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Who did it better?
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
is this how new cars are made??
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Finally, an instrument I can play!
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat