Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
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I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Livid.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter