Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
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My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
no such thing as a dumb question
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman