My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
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The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”