Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
You Might Also Like
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
If only
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.