Me: I know something we can do tonight đ
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
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ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Not today, today.
Not today.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
texted a girl âwhat are you up toâ a week ago and she has yet to respond. canât believe sheâs thinking this hard about it lol itâs a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
So apparently âmind how you goâ isnât a universally used phrase. Weâve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriendâs parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
This is painfully accurate đ
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks