Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
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Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes