I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
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we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.