If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
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It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I have questions??
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.