“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
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In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.