Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
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The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.