I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
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I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.