Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
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Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
I only treason on days ending in y
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
dads on road-trips be like
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.