Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
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Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.