I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
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My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
not seeing the problem
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I only say stupid things when I talk.