You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
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Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
@ candidates for local office
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.