Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
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Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.