Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
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son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.