ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
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This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans