Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
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I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
what kind of cook setting is this??
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
u guys got any snacks onboard here
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.