“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
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[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
i want to work in this restaurant
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008