Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
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Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
WHO DID THIS?
How your email finds me
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.