Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
You Might Also Like
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
The Punning Dead.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Greeting humans vs their dogs
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.