“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
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If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.