MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
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Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.