If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
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5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.