Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
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[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket