14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
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That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Meowchelangelo