“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
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pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.