I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
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You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.