Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
You Might Also Like
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
is this meant to deter me
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.