You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
You Might Also Like
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Digital security in Ancient Troy
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?