Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
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“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.