“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
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GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
choose your fighter
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me