Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
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Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr