My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
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#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot