[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
You Might Also Like
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Florida be like…
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
where the womens at?
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling