COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
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I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Saw your ex at the shops
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
The Sun’s probably Asian.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”