A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
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Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
waiting for halloween be like:
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Netflix and you sit over there.