I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
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Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion