If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
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It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
NASA has no chill
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV