[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
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I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
I mean…but I did
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,