Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
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What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well