Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
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There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS