It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
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If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business