Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
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*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.