Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again