*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
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“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.