The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
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[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
when you order from DoorDastardly
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.