[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
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Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.